Damon

There are times in a person's life when the right thing is possible to do, but the lack of action isn't. This could just be the atheist in me talking, but I'm pretty sure that Jesus wasn't moral all the time. Didn't he beat the shit out of some merchants or something? Anyway, the Son of Man never had a hard-on for his sisters best friend, did he? Did he even have a sister? I don't know, I'm getting off topic when I need to be getting this off my chest.

Ah, chest. Ethan had a spectacular torso. The first time I saw him coming out of the pool, water dripping off him, the slight bulge of fat at the top of his swim trunks, the tufts of hair over just visible pecs...delicious. The hair plastered to his scalp, green eyes sparkling out from under drunkenly heavy lids. I was prepared for serenity and got my hopes up. Alas, it wasn't to be. I wish I could quote some Shakespeare or Freud to make myself feel better, some cliched saying that would prove to my damaged ego that there is light at the end of the tunnel. All I can do is doubt the validity of my feelings. Did I feel love or lust? Was he simply unattainable? I'll never know.

He was seventeen. I was eighteen. Ethan was tall, slightly muscular, athletic. I was short, glasses, bookish. Confused about my appeal. Didn't know no one wanted me. I preferred D&D and LARP to baseball and football. I was living out Twilight, except without the vampires or being attractive. Even the weather seemed to conspire to make me miserable. It was always sunny that summer, always warm enough to allow swimming regardless of the time of day or night. We had the only pool in a twenty mile radius, so of course I saw a wide variety of tight young bodies as the boys splashed around or chased each other. They would grapple and snap each other with towels and I would die a little inside. Especially when Ethan showed up. He always made an effort to seek me out and say hi. How I hated him for that.

It would have been easier to hide, but one can't always hide behind the Wall Street Journal and foam swords so I would say hi back. I was strong and friendly and wanted nothing more than to crawl under a rock and run away from myself. But I didn't. I said hello back and that was that, Ethan went back to the pool to work on his glowing tan. I went back to my WoW account. Manipulating the auction houses for personal gain and the destruction of the online economy was the only way for me to relieve my sexual frustration.

So it goes, all the way to August. Day after day of torment, seeing his supple body darken under the summer sun, the smile flashing with the whiteness of his teeth. Carefree. I had (kinda) gotten used to Ethan saying hi every day, even getting to the point where we had actual conversations. He seemed genuinely interested in J.R.R. Tolkein, although it might have been the movies. He seemed genuinely interested in me, but he wasn't, he was just friendly. I was young, and tried to kiss him during one of the conversations in the house.

We were both in the kitchen. August, and you could smell fall in the air. It was almost here, which meant his senior year was coming up, along with my freshman year of college. There was a lull in the conversation, usually around the time he would excuse himself and join his friends at the pool. I stepped closer, he looked at me with surprise. I tilted my head up, closed my eyes, never saw his repulsion. Ethan put his hands on my chest, and pushed me gently away. “Damon, I'm not gay. Sorry.”

He stopped coming for the pool parties. Of course I was outed to my parents, who refused to believe I had no choice and sent me to a camp for rehabilitation. I'm now proud to say that I'm 100% straight, but I will always remember that summer, and Ethan, and his lips.



I'm more miserable now than when he pushed me away. Please help.